


the string of fate will wrap around your neck just as easily as your finger

by TuesdayTerrible



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 10:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12231273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuesdayTerrible/pseuds/TuesdayTerrible
Summary: The string of fate is just as likely to wrap around someones neck as easily as their finger.OrThe one where Jean is his.No, that's not right. Jean only becomes his after Marco dies.Because Jean- in his purest form- is Marco's.It's only grief that makes him Eren's.





	the string of fate will wrap around your neck just as easily as your finger

**Author's Note:**

> I should have done better with this- with them- I love these boys I do.

Eren is not as attentive as some of the others from the 104th squad. He's not as quick minded as Armin is or Marco was. But he recognizes Jean's grief because it's something he carries around himself. He watches as Jean withdraws almost completely, he watches Sasha and Connie fail to engage him, fail to keep up with him, just...fail. 

It's in moments like these, he sees the parallels. The looks on their faces that mirror the ones on Mikasa and Armin's. The guilt slams violently into his gut and he closes his eyes and grits his teeth. The guilt yet another weight on humanity's last hope. Eren wonders not if but when he'll be crushed by it. 

He sees Jeans guilt in his shoulders when he slides on the straps of his gear. He sees it in the slump of his form, and the sigh that always falls from his lips as he's forced to start yet another day without Marco. He notices sometimes, when Jean goes to do something particularly reckless, that he presses his lips softly against the handle of his blades. It isn't until sometime later does he realize that he had long since chunked his own in favor of Marco's. M.Bodt scratched into the metal, a reminder of the love he never really got to have- and yet lost all the same. 

Eren thinks for the umpteenth time how bloody unfair it is. 

Jeans sitting outside staring at the stars when Eren goes to sit next to him. Jean doesn't insult him, even spare him a side ways glance, and Erens not even sure he realizes hes there. Eren's not even a hundred percent sure why he's there. 

He just feels like he's suppose to be. 

Eren's heart aches and he's not sure what he's doing as he lays his hand over top Jean's as he stares up at the stars.

It happens than, similarly to the way he gained memories of becoming a titan, it happens in jumbled flashes of white and red, pictures flashing by so fast he barely has time to piece it together. But than Eren knows. Eren knows he's been here before and it takes everything in him not to pull his hand away and get up and leave. Eren breathes slowly as the feeling settles uncomfortably in his chest, just as Jean turns to look at him. 

Jean is his. 

No, that's not right. Jean only becomes his after Marco dies.

Because Jean- in his purest form- is Marco's.

It's only grief that makes him Eren's. 

He gathers Jean in his arm unexpectedly – why? Eren thinks helplessly- why does it always take me so long to figure it out- and Jean makes a surprised noise, hands knotting into his shirt to push him off. But Eren just holds him tighter- tears already burning in his eyes with the promise, he swears, swears, next time, next time he'll keep.

“Next time. Next time I wont let this happen. I swear it.”

Jean has no clue what he's talking about.

But then Eren kisses him like his life depends on it and Jean realizes it doesn't really matter. 

.

“Trouble in paradise?” 

Marco doesnt turn around to face Eren merely rolls his shoulders and keeps his eyes trained on the ocean and the waves lapping at the shore. “Something like that.” He says nonchalantly, tilting his head up towards Eren who is wearing a monstrously over-sized sweat shirt and ripped up jeans. Eren misses the look though- his eyes are now directed to ocean in awe and it makes Marco's lips curl up into a small smile. 

“You remember huh?” The dark haired freckled boy says allowing sand to slide between his fingers and catch on the wind. It's a stab in the dark, because Eren doesn't usually remember anything and Jean never does. 

But Marco knows that look. Marco's been around Eren long enough to know what his dreams are wherever he goes, because they're almost always the same. 

“Yes.” Eren breathes but its shaky as he struggles to light a cigarette around the wind. “And you...?” His voice is cautious as if he's afraid to voice any more for fear the timeline might rupture or something equally ridiculous. It brings a smile to Marco's face- even if it doesn't quite reach his eyes. 

“I always remember.” Marco says sounding sad, eyes redirected to the waves before them. “the smoking's new this go though.” 

“I wont let this be your fate.” Eren says firmly taking a seat beside Marco and finally managing to light the cigarette before inhaling greedily. “Not this time...this time you two will get your happily ever after.” 

Marco just smiles softly and lays his hand over top of Eren's free one. “And every time, I know you mean it.” 

.

“Sometimes.” Jean says quietly muttering into Eren's hair, “Sometimes I think I'm cursed.” 

The crickets and the fellow cadets snoring are the only thing accompanying his confession and if it hadn't been for the curl of Eren's fingers into his side- he would have thought the boy hadn't heard him at all.

“You arent cursed.” Eren says through clenched teeth, the lie almost painful to tell. He hates when he remembers. He never remembers fully, he doesn't know how many times Marco's had to die for Eren to be able to wrap his arms around Jean. He just knows that he does, and that information swamps him with more than enough guilt.

As if humanity's last hope didn't have enough to be guilty about.

“Ive always wished I was more like you, you know.” Jean says his voice a whisper now. “I mean..Im not a suicidal block head or anything.. but you're strong. I always... admired that in you Eren.”

Jean must think the boy is sleeping because he pauses to run long nimble fingers through his hair before continuing a light blush dusting his cheekbones. “I love you, you know.. I didn't think I could love again after...” -he always chokes on his name- “after Marco. But...you're so much more than humanity's last hope. You're mine too. So....dont go dying on me okay?”

Eren doesn't know how to tell him he wont have a choice. 

“I love you too Jean.”  
.

“You've been through this enough times.” Eren hisses through clenched teeth. He's livid Marco thinks as Eren slams him up against the brick wall of their schools library, eyes blazing passionately . “You should know a way to break the cycle.”

“I do.” Marco says slowly, walking past Eren and towards a table in the back by a window. “Sometimes you do too.” 

“If that's true. I would have done it.”

Marco laughs at that, an airy chuckle that makes Eren's gut clench hard and his fists shake. 

“Yeah, if you knew, you wouldn't say that.” Marco says gently tapping his coffee cup and staring at Eren. “Think a minute Eren. If there are times you know what it would take, and you didn't do it- think of what it must truly take to break it. Hell. Think of me. I cant live past 16.” His voice trembles than and he pulls out a chair taking a seat at the small table, eyes turning to stare at the window. “I cant even tell you how many times ive done this. To many. But each...well dying's unpleasant. And I cant break it. I rather...just keep doing this.” 

“What about Jean?” Eren asks desperate. “It breaks him, every time. I...”

“Who do you think Im doing this for?”

.

“What if I killed myself?” 

Marco sighs. “In this universe that's impossible. And in the next one, also impossible.” 

Eren, in an act of defiance unsheathes one of his blades and slices his wrist. His cut is surprisingly clean for the aggressive whirlwind that is Eren. The blood flows down his arm in rivers, droplets dusting the ground red- but it is just than that he realizes steam is also coming from his forearm, skin reattaching and repairing itself hastily.

“W-what the hell?” Eren stutters staring at his arm in horror.

Marco sighs running a hand down his face. “This is my least favorite 'verse to die in.” He manages to calm Eren enough to explain that Eren in fact can somehow shift into a titan. Eren stares at him mortified the question of how already on his lips before Marco shakes his head sadly. “I don't know.” he says quietly. “I never live long enough to find out. You don't usually member anything when we are here.” 

“My mom.” Eren says voice shaky. “Do you know if she....every time?”

“Every time here” Marco says cautiously. “It...doesn't always come up elsewhere.”

“I see.” Eren says voice heavy. “And I cant...”

“Eren.” Marco says kindly. “I've seen you do amazing incredible things. Jean's probably seen you do even more.” He pauses clearing his throat awkwardly as he places to strong firm hands on his shoulder. “But...when we are here. This world is...much bigger than us. Our fate is just a small speck of the picture. You cant...fail here. So...since you remember this time. Use it to love him longer. Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Eren says determination clouding the broken-ness of his features.

“Good.”

And Marco doesn't have to have gone through the cycle a hundred thousand times to know what Eren's thinking. 

The unfairness of it all is written clear across his face. 

.  
Marco's grateful this go around, that Eren doesn't know. Ignorance is truly bliss, he thinks as he wraps his arm around Jean's shoulders affectionately. The music is good, the beer still tastes like piss to him- but its good because they arent suppose to have it and Jean is warm and in his arms.

He can tell though, its the subtle longing of Eren's green eyes- that let him know his days are becoming numbered. Eren tries. Marco will give him that. Eren tries even when he doesn't remember not to want Jean. He tries to harp on how different they are instead of how similar they are- but even the fighting is low simmering attraction- the two of them just arent mature enough to know that.

Especially not Jean. Not now.

But Eren he can see it, in the way the tips of his ears get red when Marco catches him staring. In the way he bites his lower lip, torn between guilt and desire. Marco knows Eren almost as well as Jean in some ways. Sometimes, he wishes he didnt.

It's not that Marco knows when he's going to die. It's never the same date or the same way. I mean, thats not to say they arent repeat performances. He's done this an infinite number of times that he's long since stopped keeping track. But his death is never the same set way in any verse. Varieties the spice of life he guesses. 

“You okay?” Jean says, eyes turned up towards him, brows furrowed together in concern. “Looks like we lost ya for a minute there.”

Eren's staring to, pointedly with one eyebrow raised, just so. Marco knows instantly he's trying to piece it together. He knows he doesn't have the information this time, even though the gears in Eren's head are grinding, trying to make things fit. It's comforting to know he can not. He cant even begin to explain how Eren being “awake” is more exhausting than dying. 

“Mmm” Marco hums, his eyes locking with Eren's. A silent plea he knows the boy cant hear. Dont long for him. Not yet. I have months before I /have/ to die. Let me have them. “Just getting tired.” 

“Yeah..” Eren says and for a moment of brief panic, Marco thinks somehow he's read his thoughts. Its an absurd thing, because immediately it's followed by “See you two tomorrow?”

“Course” Jean snickers grabbing Marco by the hand, and Marco despite himself wishes he himself could say that just as confidently.   
.

 

Marco is scared. 

And that says something because usually knowing death is coming for you numbs you to most things. Marco can never be numb to this. It's only happened 12 other times, out of the infinite loop they've lived. He does not want this to be number 13. 

Jean is staring between him and Eren- and his eyes glisten with something akin to betrayal. Jean is awake and he isn't suppose to be. 

The fear in Eren's eyes is palpable. He can taste it as the dark haired boy reaches out a trembling hand to Jean. Marco knows it's a means to comfort him, but Jean flinches away. His silence is so thick between the three of them, Marco is almost positive that it should be able to shatter the time-line completely. 

The silence though. Never does.

“They arent dreams.” Jean says, his voice cracked and broken. “They arent dreams and you both damn well knew it- and you've known it every god damn time.”

“Jean.” Marco says helplessly, trying to keep the panic from fraying in his voice. “Please.”

“We're sorry.” Eren says and his voice cracks and Marco can hear the tears welling in his friends eyes. Marco has to close his because just like the inevitable cycle- he knows the next words out of Jeans mouth. The last twelve times, they are always the same- and more times than not- they are his last.

“I don't forgive you.” The tears in Jean's eyes hurt the most, and as he pushes past them, Marco reaches for him with trembling hands but to no avail. Eren moves to tackle him, terrified of him being out of their grasp- and misses.

Marco doesn't tell him it's better that he misses. He's killed Jean with that twice in the past by the way his head hits the floor, something only construed by fate to hurt Eren and lead them all to early graves.

They have to spend the rest of the day with him now, making sure the entirety of his memory does not come in tact. They have to make sure that he doesnt remember the way to break it. Because if he does, and he always does whenever he remembers- he'll do it.

And it's the one thing, Marco- and he supposes Eren- its' the one thing they cant handle. 

.

“Why me?” Jean says idly, sprawling his fingers across Marco's chest- his gaze pointedly not towards his lover. 

“Why you what?” Marco hums, interlacing his fingers through Jeans affectionately. 

“Why choose me?” Jean says, his voice unnaturally quiet- weak even. 

Marco takes in his flushed cheeks and amber eyes and he thinks despite their fate how could it ever be anyone but you?

“You're honest Jean, that in and of itself is a gift. And sometimes it takes you a while to figure out the right thing. But, when you figure it out- you always do it even when its not best for you.” 

“You know, its only been two years since we've met.” Jean says quietly, his ears tinged pink. “But when you talk like that it feels like you've known me far longer. Think...do you think maybe in another life?” 

Marco can tell he's absurdly embarrassed, but post coital Jean is the perfect blend of embarrassingly mushy that melts Marco's heart in all the right places. 

“In every life.” Marco says sincerely and Jean just curls farther into his side. Marco- despite everything- doesn't necessarily dread dying. He doesn't like it of course, theres so many things he wants to do that he simply cant- but...leaving Jean hurts more than death does. Every time.

The only solace is that he always gets him back. 

.

“What usually happens.” Marco asks as Jean disappears into the sea of people before them with a be right back wanna go find Connie and see if he brought... “with you two...after I die?'

Eren chokes on his beer, wiping the sour liquid off with the back of his hand. “You- you don't know how the loop plays out?” He pauses as if he thinks better of it. “You- you haven't asked me before?” 

Marco shrugs, staring towards the sea of bodies in front of them, grateful to be in this verse again. The last couple have been with the titans- and while he's sure Eren fairs better there- hes willing to bet his (well he guesses his life is rather meaningless isn't it?) his soul- that Jean and himself fair much better here. The vision of his last death dances before his eyes as the titan sinks his teeth into face and crushes his skull. 

God he hates Reiner. 

He shudders tipping his beer back and emptying the contents before finally answering. “No.” He says finally. “It wasn't as hard to...come to peace with the inability to see 17. But...it was much harder imagining him being with someone else.” He pauses flushing a bit before turning to face Eren. “That's not to say I resent you or anything I dont- I hope you make him happy I just. It was hard to ask. It's still hard to ask. But...Ive done this so much its...it's about time I know.” 

“He never gets over you.” Eren says, and his voice is a cross between fierce reassurance and soft agony. “We struggle.” He pauses clearing his throat as if it pains him. “A lot.” Eren's eyes go vacant for a moment and Marco has the decency to redirect his attention to the crowd before them again before Eren continues. “He tells me I love you. And it always feels like....finally. Finally I can...I can breathe.” He laughs than his eyes tearing up. “And thats when I know my times almost up. I usually die that day- the following at the latest.”

This....surprises Marco.

“And Jean?” He says.

“Lives a long life.”

“Is he happy?”

“Lonely...I think. I don't exactly get to stay and watch.” 

Marco makes a non committal sound at that as he spots the top of Jeans hair, slowly but surely making his way towards them.

“I didnt know.” Marco says his voice quick and quiet- almost drowned out completely by the noise around them. But Eren doesn't miss it. He never misses it.

“Hm?” he says raising a brow, one eye respectfully towards Marco- the other keeping a protective gaze towards Jean- as if the crowd itself might swallow him whole before he makes it back towards them.

“That you die young.” 

“Oh.” Eren says unable to give much else. “Yeah.”

“How long?” Marco says despite himself. 

“I cant live past 23.” Eren says, and Marco can hear the bitter edge in his voice. People want to glorify those who die young. Romanticize it. But the good don't die young. Good and bad have nothing to do with it. The string of fate is just as likely to wrap around someones neck as easily as their finger. That's all it is. 

“So its not always the same age like me.” Marco says more as a statement than a question.

“No...Ive died at 18, and 19. 17 once...i think. Sometimes, in this verse, I swear he knows. Like....its the words themselves that'll kill me instead of a 4x4 semi with bad breaks- or you know- whatever this go around.” Eren pauses looking towards his empty cup. “Damn. I need another.” 

“Your wish is my command.” Jean says breathless, an armful of beer bottles in his arms. “Jaeger.” He says shoving the beer to Erens chest, and a kiss into the corner of Marco's lips. “Mmmissed you.” Jean hums pleasantly and Marco cant help but laugh, lips grazing over his forehead affectionately.

“How many shots have you had Jean?”

“'nough” He says a smirk playing across his features. “Take your beer, than kiss me again.”

And he does.

.

“I'm going to do it.” Jean says and his voice is cracking with fear, and yet somehow conviction.

The thing is- Jean values life. He's always valued his life. He has a gross understanding how fragile life is even when he doesnt understand how he knows it. When facing giant man-eating blood thirsty titans, watching those he grew up with disappear into pulp, a blood stain on the street beneath a titans foot. Rather they live in his dreams or outside the walls- because of them- Jean never, ever wants to die.

Marco...god Marco....

He's not dumb. He understands what Marco's death teaches him. Marco teaches him right and wrong. Marco teaches him the potential within himself. Marco kills the coward with his death and allows Jean to grow into the man he's suppose to be. The man that Eren deserves. 

And Marco is a better man than all of them combined. Jean doesn't care if Eren is piss and vinegar, hells fire, or humanity's last hope. He adores and admires Eren, but Eren is not good in the way Marco is good. And while Eren and he might deserve to go through this loop. Marco deserves more than a funeral in which one cant identify his bones. Marco deserves to wake up to seventeen. Marco deserves it more than anyone.

“I know.” Marco says unsteadily. “But you cant.”

“I wont let you.” Eren says eyes blazing. “I wont fucking let you.” 

Jean takes the challenge, amber eyes firm, letting himself let go of the railing on the side of the building. 

Eren's faster.

He grabs Jean by the wrist, his hand gripping the railing tightly. Marco grabs Eren's waist to keep him steady, feeling the railing creak with their combined weight. Jean glares up at Eren- and Eren is glaring down at him, and Marco is already bracing for the inevitable impact of them flying through the air and smashing onto the concrete below. 

“God damn it you suicidal bastard.” Jean bites up at him, and the irony isn't lost on any of them this go around.

“You're one to talk horse-face!” Eren screams down at him. “I'm not the one hanging off the side of a mother fucking building.”

“Oh thats rich.” Jean says. “I have to do this and you know it. What happened to all your self-righteousness? Where's your fucking conviction Jaeger?” 

It's in moments like these Marco knows why they ended up together. His grip tightens into Eren's abdomen as he hears the metal groan again. A crowd is beginning to form down at the base of the building- Marco can see a handful of them. They look like ants from this height. He wonders if this is how the titans view them. 

Jean's manages to pull himself up with the trembling limb Eren has in his hand, but it isn't to get closer to the safety of the building, no, Jean is using Eren's arm as leverage as he sinks his teeth into Eren's hand. 

The bite on Eren's hand is deep- Jeans teeth sharp and gravity making the pull hard. Eren's hand is shaking from not only the strain- but the amount of pain Jean is putting him through. 

“I don't want to do this without you.” Eren bites out, tears are burning his eyes obstructing his vision. “We rather die a million times more than do this without you once.”

Jean looks up at him and all at once- they have an agreement. Marco sees it but doesn't understand what's happening as Eren gives a firm hard kick against Marco's hip, sending him falling backwards and on his ass. It leaves him dazed but not blind as Eren uses the same momentum to propel himself and Jean off of the building.

Marco stares in a soft sort of mortificaiton as the two plummet to the ground, Eren's voice strong even as it descends to the ground.

“LIVE”

The sound of their bodies smashing into the pavement is the worst sounds he's ever heard.

.

It's 11:59pm. 

In one minute, Marco Bodt will be seventeen. His hands are shaking as he holds the gun in his hands, canines sinking into his lower lip. He waits- every time this occurs hoping that something will take him before the final hours. Nothing ever does- but he's also never waited this close to seventeen before. He's never wanted to.

He does not want to imagine a life without Jean. He doesn't even want to imagine a life without Eren. Not this one. Or the next one. If there even is a next one should he live to seventeen. The gun is heavy in his hands though pulling the trigger would be the easiest thing he's ever done.He closes his eyes and presses the barrel against the flesh of his chin.

He pulls the trigger, and nothing happens. His heart tightens in his chest so hard as he pulls it again, the same resistance- the same result. 

The numbers on the clock flash 12:00am. 

Tears are running down his face, and he knows he'll never be able to get enough air in his lungs.

Later, when he sees his first sunrise of seventeen, he doesn't wonder why the gun jammed. He doesn't wonder if theres still time to end it all, or how much he has. He doesn't wonder if he'll remember or if it's really over. 

He decides with a soft, sad determination that he's going to do the one thing Jean and Eren have asked him for, the one thing he never truly could. 

.

 

He's going to live.


End file.
